Day 4 is something you have to forgive someone for....
This one is tough. I am known as the 'Forgiving Child" in my family. I forgive everyone.... Just who I am. The only person who I still am not able to forgive is my ex-boyfriend Eric. And he will never get my forgiveness. Wait.....I know....
When my grandma dies, my whole family gathered around and supported each other. Losing her was a huge blow to the family unit. We all worked together and made her wishes come true. I have a cousin who lives in Boston, and she didnt show up for the funeral. Her excuse was she didnt want to take the time off work, because they were at an important step in her job. So she missed it.....I hated her for that. So...I forgive her for that.....
Unfortunately, that's all I got on this one.
Have a great day!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Day 3 of 30 Days of Truth
Day 3 is something to forgive yourself for.
Oh great.....that means this will be a cry-fest....
In 2005, I was in between my on again, off again abusive relationship with my stupid, loser of an boyfriend. EX Boyfriend! I was staying with my grandma and she was doing everything in her power to keep me away from him. But I was dumb.... My grandma was an amazing woman. Strong, stubborn, callous, and even hot tempered. But that's who she was. Everyone who knew her, loved her that way. At the age of 73, she worked full time at the local bowling alley as the league secretary. She took payments, paid winnings, and set up leagues. She loved her job. For years my uncles begged her to quit and stay home, but she basically told them to f*&k off, she liked being away from the house. While attempting to save this stupid relationship, my ex would ask me to buy him everything. He wanted food, clothes, cell phones, dogs, you name it; he wanted it. I spent every penny I had on him, and it wasn't good enough. Knowing that my grandma kept her league money and winnings in a locked cabinet in her bedroom, I went and stole money 4 times. I knew it was wrong then, but it didn't matter. Not once did she bring it up to me....I know she knew who took it, and where it went. But she never said anything to me.
2 years later, she was in a serious car accident, causing her to spend 3 weeks in ICU on a ventilator helping her breathe. She had broken her back, and was paralyzed from the waist down. On her way to work one morning, a U-Haul truck was stalled in the middle lane. My grandma never saw it coming, until it was too late. Her car was demolished. Crunched into 1/4 of what the car originally looked like. I was devastated. They transferred her to a different hospital, that better specializes in her type of care. I visited her everyday. She couldn't speak because of the breathing tube, so she had a bell that she used to call for help or assistance. The only communication we had was on paper and reading her lips. Luckily I'm pretty good at reading lips.... 2 months into her stay at this hospital, she tells the family and doctors that she "doesn't want to live this way anymore. I am ready to die, and see grandpa". Again my uncles were furious, and tried to convince her that she was making a mistake. But I knew this is what she wanted. 2 days later, the doctors pump her full of ungodly amounts of morphine and remove the breathing tube. The whole family is there. She grabs my hand and doesn't let go...she begins gasping for air and mouthing "I'm ready to die...why wont I die." They continue giving her the meds and the entire time she is holding my hand. I can still feel her skin on mine....her beautifully manicured nails....her wedding rings.... Finally she begins to relax. The doctors explain that she is in a drug induce coma, and her lungs have stopped pushing air, but her heart is still beating. The nurses beg us all to go get lunch, because it could be awhile before she is officially gone. My family starts to leave the room, and I lean in to whisper in her ear. I couldn't let her go without apologizing to her. She had to know how sorry I was.... My mom comes and tries to pry my hand from hers, and I beg her to let me stay. My uncles come in and drag me out of the room...I figured when I got back I would have my chance. While at lunch the nurses call and say she had passed. We all rush back up and gather around her. I didn't get to apologize before she was gone.....I never got to tell her bad I felt....I never got to say how much I loved her..... she was gone.....
To this day I have never been able to forgive myself for what I had done......Would my grandma be ok with me holding on to this for so long? No way...she would have told me "get over it, move on, we all make mistakes"......so today...I forgive myself.......
Oh great.....that means this will be a cry-fest....
In 2005, I was in between my on again, off again abusive relationship with my stupid, loser of an boyfriend. EX Boyfriend! I was staying with my grandma and she was doing everything in her power to keep me away from him. But I was dumb.... My grandma was an amazing woman. Strong, stubborn, callous, and even hot tempered. But that's who she was. Everyone who knew her, loved her that way. At the age of 73, she worked full time at the local bowling alley as the league secretary. She took payments, paid winnings, and set up leagues. She loved her job. For years my uncles begged her to quit and stay home, but she basically told them to f*&k off, she liked being away from the house. While attempting to save this stupid relationship, my ex would ask me to buy him everything. He wanted food, clothes, cell phones, dogs, you name it; he wanted it. I spent every penny I had on him, and it wasn't good enough. Knowing that my grandma kept her league money and winnings in a locked cabinet in her bedroom, I went and stole money 4 times. I knew it was wrong then, but it didn't matter. Not once did she bring it up to me....I know she knew who took it, and where it went. But she never said anything to me.
2 years later, she was in a serious car accident, causing her to spend 3 weeks in ICU on a ventilator helping her breathe. She had broken her back, and was paralyzed from the waist down. On her way to work one morning, a U-Haul truck was stalled in the middle lane. My grandma never saw it coming, until it was too late. Her car was demolished. Crunched into 1/4 of what the car originally looked like. I was devastated. They transferred her to a different hospital, that better specializes in her type of care. I visited her everyday. She couldn't speak because of the breathing tube, so she had a bell that she used to call for help or assistance. The only communication we had was on paper and reading her lips. Luckily I'm pretty good at reading lips.... 2 months into her stay at this hospital, she tells the family and doctors that she "doesn't want to live this way anymore. I am ready to die, and see grandpa". Again my uncles were furious, and tried to convince her that she was making a mistake. But I knew this is what she wanted. 2 days later, the doctors pump her full of ungodly amounts of morphine and remove the breathing tube. The whole family is there. She grabs my hand and doesn't let go...she begins gasping for air and mouthing "I'm ready to die...why wont I die." They continue giving her the meds and the entire time she is holding my hand. I can still feel her skin on mine....her beautifully manicured nails....her wedding rings.... Finally she begins to relax. The doctors explain that she is in a drug induce coma, and her lungs have stopped pushing air, but her heart is still beating. The nurses beg us all to go get lunch, because it could be awhile before she is officially gone. My family starts to leave the room, and I lean in to whisper in her ear. I couldn't let her go without apologizing to her. She had to know how sorry I was.... My mom comes and tries to pry my hand from hers, and I beg her to let me stay. My uncles come in and drag me out of the room...I figured when I got back I would have my chance. While at lunch the nurses call and say she had passed. We all rush back up and gather around her. I didn't get to apologize before she was gone.....I never got to tell her bad I felt....I never got to say how much I loved her..... she was gone.....
To this day I have never been able to forgive myself for what I had done......Would my grandma be ok with me holding on to this for so long? No way...she would have told me "get over it, move on, we all make mistakes"......so today...I forgive myself.......
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 2 of 30 Days of Truth
Well...its actually day 3, but I had tons of homework yesterday and was in a lot of pain. So I didnt get to Day 2.
Day 2 is Something you love about yourself
This one is actually really easy. My babies. They are the best things that have ever happened to me. Well...next to my husband. They are the sunlight to my cloudy day, and they are the reason I wake up in the morning.
My oldest, Cody Michael. My Bubba. The pregnancy was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not only was I sick for the entire 9 months, but I kinda went crazy. My mind was not in the best position, and from what I hear, that happens alot with pregnancy. I guess theres a chemical imbalance that happens. I spent a few days in the hospital for dehydration, cause I couldnt eat or drink anything. Even crackers or water. I lost a total of 40 pounds. Which was the fastest way I have ever found to lose weight! Lol...The delivery was scary. After delivery I had a few complications. I lost a lot of blood and the doctors were worried for a while. But everything came out fine. The first thing I said when you came into this world was "Oh my God, he looks just like Greg." And you did and still do. Everyone calls you the "little Greg".... The only thing you have that resembles me is my big deep dimples. Oh your smile....Big puffy cheeks, brown eyes, and those dimples. I got my dimples from my mom, and obviously passed them on. Whenever you smile at someone, they always say "he's gonna be a ladykiller with those dimples"....Your just too precious. You walked and talked super early...People were shocked at how well you talked at such an early age. I love you more than I even know how to explain. My life had meaning the day you were born, and that has never changed. Thank you so much for choosing me as your momma...I love you always and forever!
My baby, Dylan Eugene. My DD buggie.... you were definitely unexpected. But the best surprise ever. Luckily, the pregnancy was easy. No sickness, no weightloss, no unnecessary hospital visits. It was nice. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew immediately I wanted another boy. I loved my Cody so much, that I needed another one just like him. Daddy, Cody, and all went to find out, and sure enough...a boy! We all cheered and clapped! We were so excited. Your delivery was much easier. I knew what to do, and you came much smoother. You were so amazing, and beautiful. Definitely resembled me. Your brother was so excited to have you around, that he treated you like any other toy in the house. LOL...which is probably why I treat you like my baby boy still. Your a bit more fragile than Cody, and I worry your gonna get hurt. Silly momma. Your my snuggle bug, and I love you so much. Your sweet smile is infectious, and makes a bad day, happy again. I am so thankful you came into my life. I love you always and forever!
Oh my babies....you are the single thing that I love most about myself. You are the one things in my life that I have done completely right. Thank you for choosing me! I love you, always and forever!
Day 2 is Something you love about yourself
This one is actually really easy. My babies. They are the best things that have ever happened to me. Well...next to my husband. They are the sunlight to my cloudy day, and they are the reason I wake up in the morning.
My oldest, Cody Michael. My Bubba. The pregnancy was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not only was I sick for the entire 9 months, but I kinda went crazy. My mind was not in the best position, and from what I hear, that happens alot with pregnancy. I guess theres a chemical imbalance that happens. I spent a few days in the hospital for dehydration, cause I couldnt eat or drink anything. Even crackers or water. I lost a total of 40 pounds. Which was the fastest way I have ever found to lose weight! Lol...The delivery was scary. After delivery I had a few complications. I lost a lot of blood and the doctors were worried for a while. But everything came out fine. The first thing I said when you came into this world was "Oh my God, he looks just like Greg." And you did and still do. Everyone calls you the "little Greg".... The only thing you have that resembles me is my big deep dimples. Oh your smile....Big puffy cheeks, brown eyes, and those dimples. I got my dimples from my mom, and obviously passed them on. Whenever you smile at someone, they always say "he's gonna be a ladykiller with those dimples"....Your just too precious. You walked and talked super early...People were shocked at how well you talked at such an early age. I love you more than I even know how to explain. My life had meaning the day you were born, and that has never changed. Thank you so much for choosing me as your momma...I love you always and forever!
My baby, Dylan Eugene. My DD buggie.... you were definitely unexpected. But the best surprise ever. Luckily, the pregnancy was easy. No sickness, no weightloss, no unnecessary hospital visits. It was nice. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew immediately I wanted another boy. I loved my Cody so much, that I needed another one just like him. Daddy, Cody, and all went to find out, and sure enough...a boy! We all cheered and clapped! We were so excited. Your delivery was much easier. I knew what to do, and you came much smoother. You were so amazing, and beautiful. Definitely resembled me. Your brother was so excited to have you around, that he treated you like any other toy in the house. LOL...which is probably why I treat you like my baby boy still. Your a bit more fragile than Cody, and I worry your gonna get hurt. Silly momma. Your my snuggle bug, and I love you so much. Your sweet smile is infectious, and makes a bad day, happy again. I am so thankful you came into my life. I love you always and forever!
Oh my babies....you are the single thing that I love most about myself. You are the one things in my life that I have done completely right. Thank you for choosing me! I love you, always and forever!
Monday, October 18, 2010
30 Days of Truth....
So, I decided to start writing....even if no one else reads it....I know its there for me to see. For my first blog post, I've decided to go with the newest Internet sensation "30 Days of Truth". Apparently everyone is doing it..so why not! The plan is that each day you have a different topic to write about...and here's the list to follow:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
So here we go....
Day 1~~ Something you hate about yourself
Wow....that's tough. I've always been a "hater" when it comes to myself. Since I was a young girl, I've always had horrible confidence and think very little of myself. Always.... It may be due to my weight...which I have never been happy with. In high school, I was always one of the bigger girls in our group of friends. I don't think my friends noticed much, but I did. I wouldn't have called myself massive or huge, but I was definitely bigger than the rest. I played fast pitch softball for many years. All through high school, and during the summer, but never seemed to be able to get my weight down. I was also the girl in high school, who instead of standing out or trying to make myself seen, I stayed back. Trust me, I had lots of friends....a ton of amazing girl friends, and a few guy friends. But when it came to outside our group, I stayed pretty silent. I didn't want to draw anymore attention to myself, than the weight already had. I wasn't teased or made fun of, or even physically hurt because of my weight, because I tried my hardest to avoid those type of situations.
After high school, my lack of self confidence and weight issues never went away. I stayed the "fat friend" with my skinny friends at bars. I dated guys, but never found anyone who was into me. And maybe that was because I was self-sabotaging myself from the git go. I told myself before I ever went out with a guy, that he wasn't going to like me. That probably showed on every date I went on. Then one day, I stopped dating, and looking for someone and someone found me. I was bowling one night in 2001, and I noticed a couple of guys standing behind the lanes. One was really tall and kept staring and smiling at me. So I smiled back. Few minutes later, out of the corner of my eye, I watched him walk up to one of my teammates and begin talking to her. They would glance over and smile, and she would wink and give me the thumbs up. What the hell did that mean? What were they doing? After he left, my teammate came to me with a piece of paper, that had his name and number written on it. What? Really? No way! So the next day I called him. His name was Eric, and he wanted to go out sometime. I told him sure. 2 days later, we met at my apt and he took me to dinner. It was nice. He was very sweet and said the nicest things. He told me when he first saw me, he had to meet me. He said I was beautiful, and he would like to see me again. I agreed. 2 months later, I was moving in with him. And that's when everything changed. I started to see him change. He became controlling and refused to let me see my friends and family. Which led to me not speaking to anyone other than his friends and family for a very long time. One day, I decided I had had enough. I called my dad and needed his help moving out. He really didn't like that, and began slamming me against the walls, and punching me in the face. I was thrown to the kitchen floor and he stomped on my face with his feet. I will never forget the words he said to me then "you wont be leaving me anytime soon". So I didn't. I was scared. I laid on the floor in a ball and tried to not cry. He left and came back a several mins later. He was crying and begging for me to forgive him. He said he loved me, and didn't want me to leave. He said he wouldn't ever do it again, and couldn't go on without me. So I forgave him.....I didn't want to be alone. I wanted someone to love me..... I stayed. Over the next 4 years, I allowed him to beat me with TV antenna's, cookie sheets, he would whip me with vacuum cleaner cords, belts, wire hangers. He hit me more times with his fist and open hand, that I lost count. I was pushed down stairs, spit on, and taken to the hospital 5 times for possible broken bones and stitches. I would fight back, and he would overpower me. I mean, he is 6'8" and 350lbs....I mean I was fighting a losing battle. Every time I got the nerve to leave, he would beat me down and tell me "you wont find anyone to love you. Your trash, and I'm the best you will ever find".....wow...I havent thought about those words in a long time. Was it stupidity on my part? Absolutely....I believed him when he said I was trash, and no one would love me. I finally left, with the help of a great friend and family. And never looked back.
Now I have 2 amazing boys, and the best husband and best friend a woman could ask for. But my confidence and self-love are still not there. I hate that about myself.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
So here we go....
Day 1~~ Something you hate about yourself
Wow....that's tough. I've always been a "hater" when it comes to myself. Since I was a young girl, I've always had horrible confidence and think very little of myself. Always.... It may be due to my weight...which I have never been happy with. In high school, I was always one of the bigger girls in our group of friends. I don't think my friends noticed much, but I did. I wouldn't have called myself massive or huge, but I was definitely bigger than the rest. I played fast pitch softball for many years. All through high school, and during the summer, but never seemed to be able to get my weight down. I was also the girl in high school, who instead of standing out or trying to make myself seen, I stayed back. Trust me, I had lots of friends....a ton of amazing girl friends, and a few guy friends. But when it came to outside our group, I stayed pretty silent. I didn't want to draw anymore attention to myself, than the weight already had. I wasn't teased or made fun of, or even physically hurt because of my weight, because I tried my hardest to avoid those type of situations.
After high school, my lack of self confidence and weight issues never went away. I stayed the "fat friend" with my skinny friends at bars. I dated guys, but never found anyone who was into me. And maybe that was because I was self-sabotaging myself from the git go. I told myself before I ever went out with a guy, that he wasn't going to like me. That probably showed on every date I went on. Then one day, I stopped dating, and looking for someone and someone found me. I was bowling one night in 2001, and I noticed a couple of guys standing behind the lanes. One was really tall and kept staring and smiling at me. So I smiled back. Few minutes later, out of the corner of my eye, I watched him walk up to one of my teammates and begin talking to her. They would glance over and smile, and she would wink and give me the thumbs up. What the hell did that mean? What were they doing? After he left, my teammate came to me with a piece of paper, that had his name and number written on it. What? Really? No way! So the next day I called him. His name was Eric, and he wanted to go out sometime. I told him sure. 2 days later, we met at my apt and he took me to dinner. It was nice. He was very sweet and said the nicest things. He told me when he first saw me, he had to meet me. He said I was beautiful, and he would like to see me again. I agreed. 2 months later, I was moving in with him. And that's when everything changed. I started to see him change. He became controlling and refused to let me see my friends and family. Which led to me not speaking to anyone other than his friends and family for a very long time. One day, I decided I had had enough. I called my dad and needed his help moving out. He really didn't like that, and began slamming me against the walls, and punching me in the face. I was thrown to the kitchen floor and he stomped on my face with his feet. I will never forget the words he said to me then "you wont be leaving me anytime soon". So I didn't. I was scared. I laid on the floor in a ball and tried to not cry. He left and came back a several mins later. He was crying and begging for me to forgive him. He said he loved me, and didn't want me to leave. He said he wouldn't ever do it again, and couldn't go on without me. So I forgave him.....I didn't want to be alone. I wanted someone to love me..... I stayed. Over the next 4 years, I allowed him to beat me with TV antenna's, cookie sheets, he would whip me with vacuum cleaner cords, belts, wire hangers. He hit me more times with his fist and open hand, that I lost count. I was pushed down stairs, spit on, and taken to the hospital 5 times for possible broken bones and stitches. I would fight back, and he would overpower me. I mean, he is 6'8" and 350lbs....I mean I was fighting a losing battle. Every time I got the nerve to leave, he would beat me down and tell me "you wont find anyone to love you. Your trash, and I'm the best you will ever find".....wow...I havent thought about those words in a long time. Was it stupidity on my part? Absolutely....I believed him when he said I was trash, and no one would love me. I finally left, with the help of a great friend and family. And never looked back.
Now I have 2 amazing boys, and the best husband and best friend a woman could ask for. But my confidence and self-love are still not there. I hate that about myself.
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