Day 3 is something to forgive yourself for.
Oh great.....that means this will be a cry-fest....
In 2005, I was in between my on again, off again abusive relationship with my stupid, loser of an boyfriend. EX Boyfriend! I was staying with my grandma and she was doing everything in her power to keep me away from him. But I was dumb.... My grandma was an amazing woman. Strong, stubborn, callous, and even hot tempered. But that's who she was. Everyone who knew her, loved her that way. At the age of 73, she worked full time at the local bowling alley as the league secretary. She took payments, paid winnings, and set up leagues. She loved her job. For years my uncles begged her to quit and stay home, but she basically told them to f*&k off, she liked being away from the house. While attempting to save this stupid relationship, my ex would ask me to buy him everything. He wanted food, clothes, cell phones, dogs, you name it; he wanted it. I spent every penny I had on him, and it wasn't good enough. Knowing that my grandma kept her league money and winnings in a locked cabinet in her bedroom, I went and stole money 4 times. I knew it was wrong then, but it didn't matter. Not once did she bring it up to me....I know she knew who took it, and where it went. But she never said anything to me.
2 years later, she was in a serious car accident, causing her to spend 3 weeks in ICU on a ventilator helping her breathe. She had broken her back, and was paralyzed from the waist down. On her way to work one morning, a U-Haul truck was stalled in the middle lane. My grandma never saw it coming, until it was too late. Her car was demolished. Crunched into 1/4 of what the car originally looked like. I was devastated. They transferred her to a different hospital, that better specializes in her type of care. I visited her everyday. She couldn't speak because of the breathing tube, so she had a bell that she used to call for help or assistance. The only communication we had was on paper and reading her lips. Luckily I'm pretty good at reading lips.... 2 months into her stay at this hospital, she tells the family and doctors that she "doesn't want to live this way anymore. I am ready to die, and see grandpa". Again my uncles were furious, and tried to convince her that she was making a mistake. But I knew this is what she wanted. 2 days later, the doctors pump her full of ungodly amounts of morphine and remove the breathing tube. The whole family is there. She grabs my hand and doesn't let go...she begins gasping for air and mouthing "I'm ready to die...why wont I die." They continue giving her the meds and the entire time she is holding my hand. I can still feel her skin on mine....her beautifully manicured nails....her wedding rings.... Finally she begins to relax. The doctors explain that she is in a drug induce coma, and her lungs have stopped pushing air, but her heart is still beating. The nurses beg us all to go get lunch, because it could be awhile before she is officially gone. My family starts to leave the room, and I lean in to whisper in her ear. I couldn't let her go without apologizing to her. She had to know how sorry I was.... My mom comes and tries to pry my hand from hers, and I beg her to let me stay. My uncles come in and drag me out of the room...I figured when I got back I would have my chance. While at lunch the nurses call and say she had passed. We all rush back up and gather around her. I didn't get to apologize before she was gone.....I never got to tell her bad I felt....I never got to say how much I loved her..... she was gone.....
To this day I have never been able to forgive myself for what I had done......Would my grandma be ok with me holding on to this for so long? No way...she would have told me "get over it, move on, we all make mistakes"......so today...I forgive myself.......
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