30 Days of Truth....

So, I decided to start writing....even if no one else reads it....I know its there for me to see. For my first blog post, I've decided to go with the newest Internet sensation "30 Days of Truth". Apparently everyone is doing it..so why not! The plan is that each day you have a different topic to write about...and here's the list to follow:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So here we go....

Day 1~~ Something you hate about yourself

Wow....that's tough. I've always been a "hater" when it comes to myself. Since I was a young girl, I've always had horrible confidence and think very little of myself. Always.... It may be due to my weight...which I have never been happy with. In high school, I was always one of the bigger girls in our group of friends. I don't think my friends noticed much, but I did. I wouldn't have called myself massive or huge, but I was definitely bigger than the rest. I played fast pitch softball for many years. All through high school, and during the summer, but never seemed to be able to get my weight down. I was also the girl in high school, who instead of standing out or trying to make myself seen, I stayed back. Trust me, I had lots of friends....a ton of amazing girl friends, and a few guy friends. But when it came to outside our group, I stayed pretty silent. I didn't want to draw anymore attention to myself, than the weight already had. I wasn't teased or made fun of, or even  physically hurt because of my weight, because I tried my hardest to avoid those type of situations.

After high school, my lack of self confidence and weight issues never went away. I stayed the "fat friend" with my skinny friends at bars. I dated guys, but never found anyone who was into me. And maybe that was because I was self-sabotaging myself from the git go. I told myself before I ever went out with a guy, that he wasn't going to like me. That probably showed on every date I went on. Then one day, I stopped dating, and looking for someone and someone found me. I was bowling one night in 2001, and I noticed a couple of guys standing behind the lanes. One was really tall and kept staring and smiling at me. So I smiled back. Few minutes later, out of the corner of my eye, I watched him walk up to one of my teammates and begin talking to her. They would glance over and smile, and she would wink and give me the thumbs up. What the hell did that mean? What were they doing? After he left, my teammate came to me with a piece of paper, that had his name and number written on it. What? Really? No way! So the next day I called him. His name was Eric, and he wanted to go out sometime. I told him sure. 2 days later, we met at my apt and he took me to dinner. It was nice. He was very sweet and said the nicest things. He told me when he first saw me, he had to meet me. He said I was beautiful, and he would like to see me again. I agreed. 2 months later, I was moving in with him. And that's when everything changed. I started to see him change. He became controlling and refused to let me see my friends and family. Which led to me not speaking to anyone other than his friends and family for a very long time. One day, I decided I had had enough. I called my dad and needed his help moving out. He really didn't like that, and began slamming me against the walls, and punching me in the face. I was thrown to the kitchen floor and he stomped on my face with his feet. I will never forget the words he said to me then "you wont be leaving me anytime soon". So I didn't. I was scared. I laid on the floor in a ball and tried to not cry. He left and came back a several mins later. He was crying and begging for me to forgive him. He said he loved me, and didn't want me to leave. He said he wouldn't ever do it again, and couldn't go on without me. So I forgave him.....I didn't want to be alone. I wanted someone to love me..... I stayed. Over the next 4 years, I allowed him to beat me with TV antenna's, cookie sheets, he would whip me with vacuum cleaner cords, belts, wire hangers. He hit me more times with his fist and open hand, that I lost count. I was pushed down stairs, spit on, and taken to the hospital 5 times for possible broken bones and stitches. I would fight back, and he would overpower me. I mean, he is 6'8" and 350lbs....I mean I was fighting a losing battle. Every time I got the nerve to leave, he would beat me down and tell me "you wont find anyone to love you. Your trash, and I'm the best you will ever find".....wow...I havent thought about those words in a long time. Was it stupidity on my part? Absolutely....I believed him when he said I was trash, and no one would love me. I finally left, with the help of a great friend and family. And never looked back.

Now I have 2 amazing boys, and the best husband and best friend a woman could ask for. But my confidence and self-love are still not there. I hate that about myself.